What to say after a tennis match (and what to skip)

“So… what do I say now?”

The match ended ten minutes ago. Your child walks out of the gates with the racket bag over one shoulder and eyes on the ground. You have a few seconds to decide how the car ride home begins.

If you don’t know what to say, you’re in good company. Research on British tennis parents found that competition was a primary source of stress, and that parents reported not knowing what to say or how to act before, during, or after matches (Harwood & Knight, 2009; Knight et al., 2010).

Most advice for parents comes from adults. Knight, Boden, and Holt (2010) did something I like better: they asked the kids. They held eleven focus groups with 42 high-level junior players in western Canada, aged 12 to 15, and asked what they want from their parents at competitions. Here is what came up, in the order of a match day.

Before the first point

Players in every focus group said that parents who expected them to win felt like pressure, even when it was meant as belief in them. One player described being told before a match that a win was coming, and then double faulting on the first point. Another group disliked parents who looked ahead in the draw and listed the second and third opponents. Their advice: tell us who we play, and leave it there.

Practical help was welcome, like when to eat before a match and how to stay warm. Repeating it was not, and some players wanted to run their own warm-up as they got older. Tips on technique and tactics were the other thing to skip. Most players said these confused them. The exception was a parent who was a coach or had competed at a high level.

While they play

Young players notice more than you might think. They talked about head shaking, a flat face, and a tone of voice that didn’t match the words: a cheerful “let’s go” that really meant “pick it up.” Several said their parents got more serious once they started losing, and that this turned support into pressure.

What they preferred was a parent who looks relaxed but interested, and who is the same in the first set as in the last. They also cared about etiquette: no cheering when the opponent is being beaten badly, no coaching from the sideline (one player compared it to cheating on a math test, since it isn’t allowed in tournaments), and no trying to rattle the other player.

After the last point

Players described a specific dread: the walk out of the gates after a bad match, when they already knew how their parents would react. One said that thought crossed their mind during the match itself.

They didn’t want to be criticized for how they played. They did accept comments about effort and attitude, even harsh ones. One player said they didn’t mind a parent being angry when they hadn’t tried, but they did when they had tried and just played badly. Effort and attitude are things a player controls. I’d add that a result never fully is.

A cheat sheet for the car

These lines are mine, built on the themes above. They are not quotes from the study.

Keep the limits in mind. These were 42 high-level players from one region of Canada, aged 12 to 15. The study tells us what they say they prefer. It doesn’t show which parent behaviors lead to better results or well-being, and your child may see it differently. The authors do suggest that the quality of parental involvement matters more than the amount (Knight et al., 2010).